The most beautiful gifts of the “herbstal” season of heart.

This is something that started about two weeks ago.

On the wave of spiritual inspirations and beautiful music from RUAH concert of Michael Patrick Kelly, my life started to fill in with conversations about the deepest meaning of human life. I found myself talking about faith and love, limits of faith and limits of hope, spirituality, the experience of true reality and ability to see the world that cannot be touched by human mind, human understanding and senses. In conversations I tried to touch the unsichtbare Welt; the reality beyond what we can measure and describe.

In the most beautiful way, these conversations started to grow in my most personal relationships, with people with whom I thought I had already opened and explored all deepest topics in life. Seemingly not so much. Ever since opening up my heart I saw that there was this new, different and immense dimension to grow into. I am keeping some of those words here to remember, because my memory can be so fleeting and I am worried about losing their meaning.

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***

Him.

I never knew he believed so deeply as a child, before he lost his faith as a result of putting all his trust into logic and reason as a teenager. It was actually very painful for him to see his faith recede. I know that within the last two years he recovered some of that faith. He believes that beyond his reason, which is still his compass and informs all of his decisions in life – that beyond it there is a reality we are unable to describe or understand. Our human limitations do not make it any less real. He believes it would be arrogant to assume that the only thing that exists is the world as we see it, that can be described by human mind or human instruments.

And lastly, he believes in the existence of a loving God. He believes that God exists and God loves him. Amazing. And when asked or rather, confronted with my doubts regarding faith, he says calmly: you are getting stuck on technicalities. In a way it does not matter whether a human was a son of God or not, what is the nature of humanity and divine, what does this or other symbol stand for. Yes it is important, but the core of the matter is: do you believe in God who loves you. Yes or No. Simple.

That coming from him, someone who has devoted his life to studying the meaning of every minuscule details in every single issue that has ever entered his brain, is still sort of beyond my comprehension. And yet again, such an amazing dimension to discover in someone I thought I knew so well.

***

Her.

I think even more surprising was my discovery of how deeply she has thought about all these things and values and what were the forces that worked through her life so far. One could say I should know her so well, yet I keep on underestimating her. I think in this case it is because throughout all of my life, no matter how much I thought I was”trying to find spiritual things” (I never actually really tried until now), I was the one never ready to talk about the faith dimension in life. Me, not her.

I finally opened my mouth to her, going beyond my own shyness and fear of “she will think it silly” and laying my experiences of hope and my painful lack of faith, immersion in doubt, squarely on the table and just, what a wealth of ideas this has been since.. We have always enjoyed a very close relationship, which is beautiful and gratifying, and has endured a very long time. But this is another meaning in our relationship and I feel it very strongly. Her mind is so close to mine, but in many respects more abstract and more beautiful. Talking to her about these things is a pleasure and never ending inspiration, and as mentioned before, such a discovery in a relationship that has lasted this long and has been this deep.

I opened up to her about my experience of hope as a real value. She said she has the greatest difficulty with hope. Love she understands instinctively – and beautifully. I think when it comes to love, the way she feels it in her heart is very pure. I admire that instinctive feeling of love in her. She also knows faith. She says she does not have it at the moment, but she has an understanding of what it means to believe in something that is beyond comprehension, without nitpicking about elements. Just having faith in all of it, together. Faced with that understanding of faith, I must say I falter completely.

But she does not know hope.

She told me the most beautiful metaphor of where love, hope and faith reside. But I promised I will not publish it anywhere. It might one day become a canvass of the most touching book you will have ever read in your lives. Patiently wait : )

***

Myself.

I finally found the right words to describe the light of hope. Hope is not a state neither it is a process. To me, it is both. It isn’t dynamic but neither it is static. It is both.

When I experienced hope as something coming from beyond me, it brought me the strongest experience of my own living spirit; the strongest in my life understanding of being here and being alive. And the mere fact that I am alive is this wonderful, amazing, beautiful thing – so just holding on to this life will really make everything right. Hope brings that clarity and conviction.

Hope is a force that works through one’s soul, pushing it forward in the undeniable experience of being alive. Hope is living. Hope is forgetfulness about guilt, about despair, about anything that can go against that raw power of being alive. Hope is in every moment of the ticking time, but in such a beautiful, smooth way it can defy time, space and causality. Hope is the wind constantly shifting the flame of our soul. It is the clear water, allowing what is divine to merge with what is human inside our spirit, to touch it and clarify. Hope is fleeting like a song and like a melody, stays forever.

When there is no hope, there is despair. Despair is darkness that does not wait, creeping in the moment the light is absent. Hope is the light of our human way. It is not a decision, it isn’t a mental process or a feeling. Hope is the eternal energy, which we can actually live.

***

In experiencing hope I experience myself and my own life so fully like I have never before. Within the last two weeks, in the opening of my heart to conversations with people so close to me, I finally found words to describe my own wisdom: through the aspect of spirituality that moved my soul. Experiencing myself as just another human – not in a self absorbed manner but merely a reflection of the process that came from beyond me, as I am just another vehicle of the eternal wisdom -and seeing myself from outside, no better or worse than anyone else.. My mind is mystified.

Experiencing him in his ultimate simplicity of heart, within complication of reason.
Experiencing her in her beautiful abstract mind with imaginative landscapes.
Experiencing us together, as we are. In our connections, in our relationships.

***

That concert was the most beautiful gift of this “herbstal” season, this very cold era of October 2016.

autumn

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